


The Ember Planet Players

by prosepeare



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: (Shout-Out to Ember Island Players), Alternate Universe - Avatar Fusion, Gen, Humor, Parody, fandom cliches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6195724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prosepeare/pseuds/prosepeare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of TFA go down, what's better than a day at the theater?<br/>Answer: When it's this production, literally anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ember Planet Players

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of fandom cliches and theories referenced and made fun of. So could be sensitive material, but hopefully humorous.

“That play…was terrible.”

  
“You can say _that_ again. _”_

  
“Seconded.”

  
“Thirded.”

  
“Effects were okay.”  
\--  
It all started when one of the pilots had shown up, babbling about a local planet built off a dormant volcano showing some play about ‘The Destruction of Starkiller Base at the hands of the Resistance and the Journey of those Directly Involved’.

  
Leia had been reluctant, but the childlike eagerness in the faces of Finn and Rey (who had probably never had such an opportunity in their lives) had moved her to relent, and order tickets for herself, Poe (and then, when he protested, BB-8 as well), Finn, and Rey.  
\--  
The curtains going up on a desert planet, with an actor dressed to look old and a younger actor clearly meant to be Poe didn’t immediately herald any bad omens. Once they’d opened their mouths, however…

  
“Take this sacred map,” the older actor gasped in a voice that sounded as though he was about to drop dead on the spot. “and use it to bring order back to the galaxy. For we are living in dark and troubled times, with the Empire reborn trying to crush us all under its mighty and unrelenting heel-“

  
“Hey, no sweat, Gramps,” the Poe-Actor said with a wink clearly meant to be suave and charismatic. “I mean, I’m the best pilot in the Resistance. I’ve _totally_ got this under wraps _.”_

  
“Am I really that cocky?” Poe asked in a hushed voice from the balcony.

  
“No!” His friends all replied instantly.

  
And the depiction of BB-8 rolled onstage – a depiction that caused the real thing to make a series of indignant beeps and squeaks. Because it was just a fancily-painted ball.

  
“Hey, wait a minute!” Poe suddenly stood up. “That actor – he’s not even the right kind of human! They just-they just had him put on makeup or get a big tan to play me! I can’t even-“

  
\--  
It only got worse from there.  
\--  
“Don’t worry, man,” said the Finn-Actor, “I’ll help you. I can’t explain why…but when I saw you, it didn’t matter about anything I was ever told to do. All those other people dying, my brothers in arms, my commanders, my own life…it all melted away when I looked into those eyes.”

  
_As if people dying in their own right meant nothing to me._ Finn thought angrily. The other subtext, however…

  
Poe-Actor gasped dramatically. “Oh, man…don’t I know it. It’s just, like…we’ve got this profound bond. I felt it too, I feel it now, I knew…you’re a credit to your kind. Wanna help me save the world?”

  
“Yes!” Finn-Actor gasped, as if just restored to life. “But…I don’t know who I am. I’ve never had an identity of my own…anything, not dignity, not self-respect, not even a name. Could you…”

  
“You are FN-2187,” Poe-Actor laid his right hand onto Finn-Actor’s right shoulder. “So I bestow you with the name…Finn.”

  
“Thank you…thank you for making me a person!”

  
The two actors gave one another a big hug – just when the orchestra produced sounds befitting a melodramatic kiss scene in the rain – and then linked pinkies and skipped off.

  
Poe and Finn (the real ones) had been staring at this scene with a distinctly uncomfortable expression on their faces. Now their eyes flickered to one another – and then they looked away quickly, faces turning a little red.  
\--  
“Oh, it’s a hard life, eking out my survival in this dismal wasteland,” Rey’s actor moaned as she stood alone on the stage (and her hair only in two buns rather than three). “But I know my family…they will return back for me. Even after all these years. For hope-hope is what keeps me going. What keeps us all alive. And we can never relinquish that hope…

  
Rey banged her head into the banister before her as her actress continued to drone on.  
\--  
“How DARE you take my hand without permission!” Rey-Actor cried out in melodramatic indignancy, snatching it away. “I can do this for myself!”

  
“Don’t worry, little lady,” Finn-Actor said patronizingly, re-grabbing it, “I’m a big, tough hero, and I’ll protect you. You’ve been here all alone, and you need-“

  
“You don’t respect me at all! You just think because I’m a _girl _,__ that I need to be kept safe _ _-“__

  
The real Finn and Rey had matching expressions of outrage on their faces.  
\--  
“Well, it’s been a long time since I got back in the game,” Han’s actor sighed, in a tone of rasping gruff worldliness “but I guess I need to. Got to catch up on those spankings my son’s been missing out on for all these years. That little…”

  
Rey felt inclined to do some lightsaber practice on the scriptwriter.

  
Any feelings of grief Leia might have been inclined to at the sighting of her late husband (even as a portrayal) vanished instantly.  
\--  
“The lightsaber now calls to you, my girl!”

  
“What? But-but why?”

  
“Well, there are a lot of different theories. One is that it just calls to you because you’re the new hero of this story, with no connection or relevance to the family of the original owners whatsoever. Two is that you’re actually a descendent of the man who was probably most connected to the Skywalkers, even though he was as good of a Jedi as they come and would probably have never spread his seed around – besides, he was a bit too old for that. Three is that you’re actually Leia and Han’s daughter, although that would be pretty lousy of them, ignoring and neglecting a daughter for the son they’ve been worrying about all this time…”

  
Rey looked at Leia with raised eyebrows, and Leia shook her head.

  
“…and four is that you’re actually the daughter of L-“

The sound of a fake explosion was heard offstage.

“-but we’ll save that for next time.”  
\--  
“POE!” Finn’s actor shouted in unmitigated ersatz delight, running towards the Poe-Actor.

“FINN!” Poe’s actor reciprocated in the same expression, running towards the other actor.

The two met in the center of the stage, clutching at one another as if they would never let go.

“Oh, man,” Finn’s actor gave overdramatic sobbing sounds and gestures. “I was so lost without you. I couldn’t be a hero without you telling me what to do…”

“Oh, Finn, my dear friend,” Poe’s actor clutched Finn-Actor’s shoulders, looking him in the eyes soulfully. “You’re too modest – totally right, of course – but you did such a great job. I allow you to keep my jacket, as a token of my deep affection for you.”

“Oh, truly?”

“Yes, truly, madly, deeply…”

Finn and Poe were now both mortified beyond what they would have considered the human capacity was for such feelings.  
\--  
“A Sith Lord!” Leia’s actor grouched on stage. “I told Luke we should have had him trained as a doctor or lawyer, but _noooo _.__ He had to become a Sith Lord! _ _”__

“We should have starved the evil out of him! I _told_ you that we were going too easy on him, but you were all ‘coddle him’ and ‘he’s just sensitive and tormented’ _-“_

  
“He IS sensitive and tormented! And how _could_ you have left me? I’m telling you the same thing I want you to tell him, when you see him again – ever since you both left, and I’m not saying this to add guilt or pressure or anything, the doctor’s been saying that my blood pressure has been _dangerously_ elevated!”

  
This was actually so incorrect and offensive it had gone beyond merely insulting.  
\--  
“I don’t really know you,” Rey-Actor said in a trembling voice, to the Kylo Ren-Actor on stage. “I mean, you won’t take off that mask…”

  
The other actor did, swishing his long black hair dramatically, and suavely moving it out of his eyes.

  
Rey-Actor gasped. “Oh, _my _…”__

  
“Please, tell me about the droid,” Ren-Actor said in a deep baritone, “and I won’t have to make you…uncomfortable.”

  
“I’m already very uncomfortable. I mean, you are just _devilishly _attractive…”__

The real Rey’s jaw dropped in stunned horror.

“Oh, but I’m a _monster _…”__

“No, I sensed the good in you when you carried me up those steps. You’re just sensitive is all, and misunderstood, and been treated so cruelly by the world…”

“Oh, Rey…I must tell you, the feelings I have for you…you’re so good, and so pure, if you would but love me…I know I could be good. Your love would make me good.”

“Yes, and I know, that even when you’re trying to extract information out of me, that means you treat me like an equal…unlike someone who held my hand, when I’m so unused to being touched, a someone I have no special feelings for in any way…”

Finn looked at Rey, feelings running through him – sadness, hopelessness, supreme uncomfortableness – before he remembered that these guys couldn’t seem to get _anything_ right, and he saw her face. She looked physically nauseous.

“Rey?” He said, barely daring to tap her shoulder. “Are-are you okay?”

  
She shuddered for a minute, before she ‘snapped out of it’ and turned back to him.

  
“I think-I think I just threw up in my mouth a little just then.”  
\--  
“BEN SOLO YOU ARE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU DIE!”

“NO!” Ren-Actor bellowed. “I make my own way. I don’t need you, to take your commands any more!”

“But you’ve been manipulated…come home at last!”

Ren-Actor paused. “Please…please help me…”

Han’s actor stepped forward – and then was ‘impaled’ by a fake lightsaber.

“I HATE YOU, FATHER! YOU WERE NEVER WHO I NEEDED OR WANTED, AND I HATE YOU FOREVER!”

Leia actually put a hand to her mouth. Poe turned to Rey and Finn.

“He didn’t _really_ say that, did he?”

“He might as well have,” Rey said bitterly. _Kylo Ren had everything…and what did he do with it? What did he choose? What I wouldn’t have given to have even a fraction of what he knew and gave up…_  
\--

The final fight scene between Rey’s actor and Kylo Ren’s was just so saccharine and off-base that Rey had to leave the theater. Flashbacks raced through her head, and they made her feel…

“Hey, are you okay?”

She looked up at Finn’s concerned face, and smiled.

  
“As soon as we leave this place.”  
\--

Epilogue

General Hux and Phasma stared at the holo-broadcast they had received last night. For many moments, neither of them spoke. Finally, Hux breached the silence.

“Has Ren seen this yet?”

Before an answer could be given, sounds echoed down the corridor.

  
“ _AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!_ THIS IS FILTH!!!!!!!!!” The distinctive sounds of lightsabers slashing up the new base – a sound most had gotten used to – also echoed.

  
“I’d venture a guess yes, sir.” Phasma replied.

  
Hux nodded. “Well, obviously this can’t be allowed to stand, this disrespect…”

  
“I’ll ready a squadron immediately,” she nodded, and stepped off.

  
Hux’s finger twitched, and then he rescrolled to the ‘interrogation scene’ between the portrayal of Ren, and that scavenger girl. The dramatic depiction began to play again.

  
He was not a man known for his sense of humor, and did not have many treasured memories. But sometimes, at the end of a hard day, on many nights to come, he would relax with a glass of wine and this scene, and have a few quiet chuckles.


End file.
